As many have feared, western commitment to the brave Ukrainian cause has faltered in recent months, despite massive gains on the front, with the breakthrough in Kurx twice around the earth and halfway to Ladsock on its third run. And even major western publications like CNN and the WSJ have been pumping out suspiciously pro-russian defeatist articles. But what could possibly behind this sinister movement targeted at the very integrity of American knowledge itself?

We bring you now to Larry Pullman of the New York Times, a writer from eastern Europe who recently mysteriously joined the publication, stating his intention to ‘destabilize the west from in—uh, I mean, combat Russian propaganda.’ As we enter his office, he calmly closes a webpage in Cyrillic with three colors that mean… something that we’ve forgotten plastered over it.

Pullman greets us enthusiastically as we question him about the insignia portraying bears and framed Zs over his wall, to which he replies that he’s simply into symmetrically truncated sigma symbols and a wildlife guy. He invites us down and pours us each a glass of vodka while removing his ushanka, explaining the intricacies of his craft in a thick accent we can’t quite place.

“You see, these insidious Russians have been sending cybernetic hordes over the internet to hack our websites and replace our articles with Russian propaganda straight for the Kremlin. And worse, patriotic Americans may fall for this! We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

We voice our agreement and he continues with proposed measures.

"As we all know, Pullman says, “the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it and ignore it, hoping it goes away. And that is just what we should do here—cyber propaganda is obviously the greatest threat to American democracy. We should transfer the entire defense budget to developing new methods of encryption. Actually, we should throw our entire budget at that. It’s a really good idea!”

Pullman continues with why patriotic Americans might be fooled by this propaganda. “The truth is, many have been brainwashed by Russian bots on twitter. The only way out of this is by engaging them in patriotic reeducation, and sending them to the front in Ukraine, which will surely awake their love for freedom.”

We thank him for his input and leave to petition his suggestions to the DoD as Pullman puts on a fake mustache and glasses while sneaking deviously into the AP office nextdoor.