I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
I decided to not worry about labels and instead figure out what I want. Who cares whether I’m Really Trans™ if I get to have a feminine body – and that’s something (if I’m honest) I’ve wanted so much since… well, as long as I can remember. Do I feel like a woman? Eh, who knows. I certainly never felt much like a man. Or a human, come to that.
And sure, some days I don’t want to look at my dysphoria-inducing face practicing makeup, or listen to my dysphoria-inducing voice doing training, and that’s fine. Put on some androgynous clothes, cuddle up with Blåhaj and Trust the Process while I watch a film or something. More often than not I end up wanting to do something girly anyway after a while.
And some days, when I get the tuck just right, and my hair isn’t too bad, and I’ve got on some nice tight jeans and a cute sweater, I think: “do I want to be a trans woman?”. And the answer is hell, yeah.
The doubts seem to be able to shift from “am I trans” to “is this affirming” really easily. Even when I can feel it is affirming, the non-affirming aspects of being trans, the literal dysphoria that confirms I am trans, can make me feel confused about whether I am delusional about what I am feeling, about what I find affirming, etc.
I think a lot of the doubting comes from fear about being trans, about the commitment and long-term and permanent changes to my body, and so on. In a world without transphobia I might feel some doubts or uncertainty, and that could be difficult (I’m the kind of person that can’t get a tattoo because it’s “Permanent”), but I think I would have a lot less obsessive doubting, a lot of this is just coming from some kind of survival drive or something, lol.
And yeah, I feel the ups and downs. Androgynous clothes never help me, but some kinds of self-care like shaving can be a bit brutal, having to look at my face in the mirror, etc.
I had this too! I think it came from an internalized idea of “I must accept the body I was born with.” Gave me a massive crisis when my girlfriend at the time got her ears pierced… I was so close to figuring it all out 20 years ago!
Now I’ve allowed myself to change my body, that’s all just vanished. Still don’t fancy a tattoo though :P