^([Pls don’t be mad at me for posting multiple times, this just helps me process my situation since I don’t have anyone in my life so if you don’t care just ignore the post.])
Being born in 2003 I experienced a glimpse of the world when everything wasn’t hyper connected and everyone didn’t yet have a phone with all these addictive social media apps and I really miss those times.
Having a very addictive personality and suffering from depression, ADHD and OCD it seems impossible for me handling the freedom of being an independent adult in this modern world. I recently posted something that it feels like everything nowadays is designed to maximize capital at the cost of harming people.
Basically early on in my childhood I developed an addiction to technology getting my first Nintendo and basically having no restrictive parenting which made me watch TV everyday all day long since I was a kid (also to escape the trauma I experienced).
Now I’m in this dark hole where all I do day by day is waking up, consuming media, watching porn and listening to very depressing music for years. And it is eating me up. It doesn’t give me any joy anymore and it feels so uncomfortable.
But the fact that I become more and more miserable and insecure strengthens this urge to escape reality and makes it impossible to stop. And I guess I’m just too weak to change it. I lost my hope in life years ago when I gathered all my inner life that was left in me and shared my feelings with a girl I fell in love with but she didn’t share those feelings (even though she showed strong affection towards me before) which created the ultimate insecurity and destruction of my self worth/believe in me and took away the last little bit of light in me.
I always had this inner craving of getting rid of all the external tech and artificial stimuly and just living in nature almost like an animal. That might sound strange but biologically we’re not much different from our “caveman” ancestors and living the “new-way” in this modern society feels so wrong and unnatural to me. Even if it was just for a few times a week I would love if I could just be outside in nature with similar minded people and somehow just live “primal” like hunting animals, climbing/jumping things and just having fun together like playing in a lake etc. That’s the deep urge inside me but I can’t fulfill that because I don’t see a way for that in this society.
And it is only getting worse with all these upcoming technologies like VR and AI that give me nightmares. I don’t want any of this since it feels so uncomfortable to me but I feel like it’s being forced on us and being so miserable and hopeless makes me addicted to it. And it’s this easy way of passively experiencing and being part of something that made me search for answers at the wrong place since I thought the tech might make me happy and used it to feed my misery. And I think I’m nothing without the tech.
I feel like I basically sold my soul to the pleasure and live in pure misery waiting for my life to finally end, but it doesn’t. This slow death is so painful.
The fact that I had all these potentials like being somewhat smart, athletic etc. makes it even worse that I’m wasting all these opportunities with this content consumption. I used to go to the gym and had somewhat of a life but that faded away with said disappointments and the misery I’m feeling.
I don’t take any drugs and I don’t even eat unhealthy food like candy but I just can’t get rid of the tech. There also is this strong fear of missing out and not being “ahead”/“smart” by knowing about the latest tech but the strongest thing is the fear of facing the world/reality with all my insecurities and being disappointed and embarrassing myself cause I’m not likable/capable enough and getting rejected/not fitting in.
But no matter what I tried I can’t escape the pleasure since I don’t have any restrictive guardian and I’m incapable of doing that for myself.
I wonder if anyone else here has similar experiences like this or has any thoughts on it.
You must log in or register to comment.
Your message and the replies to it got me reflecting my own experiences and I decided to share my thoughts in the hope that you or someone else might find some solace in them.
Everything you write seems so familiar to me. For a long time I was try to change things in my life, but everything always seemed too difficult to actualize. If I found something exciting enough to get involved, I tried to start it going all in with big expectations. That lead mostly to dissapointment and pain.
However, I have been able to make some changes by starting small. Instead of making big changes, I have been trying to condense the big ideas to something so small and manageable that I can start experimenting right away.
For example I noticed that my mental wellbeing was getting worse because I was basically lying on the sofa all the time. I used to love running so I started contemplating getting back to it. With enough brooding and frustration I decided to go out and run for 30 seconds. It was impossible to come up with with any good excuses not to do it right away. I couldn’t find my training shoes or suitable clothing so I just went out and ran I jeans and crappy Chinese tennis shoes. The next day I did the same thing and even had motivation to find more suitable clothing. Slowly I was able to add time and make it a recurring habit that has helped me to feel a bit better and strive for a healtier life. I have been able to use the same mindset in many other things
I’m not sure if starting new things is difficult for you, but if they are, starting small and progressing slowly might be the answer. In any case I recommend trying out a hobby that gets you moving. It is so much easier to deal with all the other crap in life after getting some excercise.
There are many good suggestions in the other replies. You seem to like the idea of camping. It is almost certainly impossible for you to go camping right away. Instead you could find a nearest hiking trail and just walk a little and sit around without any electronic devices for a while. If the trails are too far away maybe try to find any public forest nearby or a park. Try to find something simple that you can do as soon as possible. I gets your thoughts towards the bigger goal. You can also notice practical things that help you to plan forward.
So if your mind tries to make barriers to stop you from changing you life for the better, lower the barriers by deconstructing them so low that you can slide over them. Star small. Progress slowly. Celebrate every small accomplishment as a victory over the past.
Noticing your situation, being able to express it in writing and reaching out with your message are good steps in the right direction. I hope you find all the things you need to make your life more enjoyable.
I don’t think much is unusual here. You can throw a rock and hit someone that takes a walk in nature for their mental health.
Go camping. Seriously, just go camping. Start with a state campground, something not too far away, learn what you need to bring to live, and then explore some more. Look up boondocking.
Get outside. Go camping.
I second the idea! Camping is so fun and refreshing
I guess I have a new life goal now!
I came here to also suggest you spend time outdoors. Long story short, it’s been my savior. Besides fresh air, sunlight, exercise you’ll find you meet the nicest people outside. Backpacking was my initial excursion outside, once a month year round, it taught me a lot. Confidence, organization a feeling of accomplishment. However it’s hard to get out often, maybe for you too. My suggestion is to find an outdoor activity close to home that you can do often. Hiking, paddling, birdwatching, fishing. Good luck i hope you find everything you’re looking for
That’s a great idea that I actually haven’t thought about before. If I ever have the money of realizing that I will definitely try that out in a summer.
And if you really want to disconnect, leave your phone at home. Bring a map for directions (if you need it) and a disposable camera for pictures.
It’s worth it!
Awesome idea. Thanks a lot!
Don’t go high tech. Cheapest tent you can find at a sporting goods store, buy some dehydrated meals, a single pot, and a small propane stove in case you can’t build a fire. Warm sleeping bag, extra socks.
You can get second hand equipment at some outdoor sporting goods stores.
I would say to go find some people. Go find a local gaming store, and look for something like a DnD or tournament group to join. Maybe look for some other sort of group: camping, biking, robotics, whatever.
Get to know some people, make some friends. Once you get to know people and get close to them, then you can open up about your struggles. Good friends will want to support you and help you out.
Find some people and then you won’t have to struggle alone. Plus, all the fun things you can do with them will be a good distraction from your addictions, and maybe, over time, your addictions will lessen.
I have had frequent thoughts about running off and joining a commune, but then I can never see how that would work out well with my depression and anxiety.
But maybe our depression/anxiety is coming from the fact that we don’t live in communes. Maybe this might be the cure when being deeper connected to people and nature?
Those definitely helps but its hard to believe there is a cure. Some people think psychedelics are a cure, but I still haven’t made that leap.
