my ex-boyfriend sam (19m) of a few years has been my longest relationship (as i’m still young). he ghosted me and i started to lose feelings for him. however, i still had hope.

he also “forgot” about me when he would give gifts to other people, wouldn’t mention me under “people he appreciates” but would mention everyone else, and wouldn’t even tell people abt me.

due to all this, i started to question actually being a lesbian who was only into guys because of comphet.

however, last night, when he finally saw my messages (he doesn’t use social media a lot), he apologized and said he should’ve done something other than ghost his gf. he agreed that we should break up, and said he was being this way due to mental health problems, and that if we got back together, he’d be a better bf.

he explained he still had feelings for me and would love to still be friends.

that’s when i realized that i had genuine feelings for him that were still there, not just comphet. i always loved him and felt sad when it seemed he didn’t love me the same way.

i understand he’s not ready for a relationship rn, and i think he should take his time. i also am not quite ready due to this being so recent and the fact that we haven’t done actual couple stuff in a while.

but after a while, when he gets better, hopefully we’ll still have feelings and both be good partners (better than we were then). after all, even if the not including me thing isn’t an excuse, the ghosting was due to poor mental health which he can’t control.

so i guess i’d also be biromantic with a preference for women.

i hope we can make this work >w<

  • venotic@kbin.melroy.org
    1·
    9 minutes ago

    I’ve skimmed through this and this is all a recipe for what I keep referring to these situations as - a yo-yo effect. And this post has that written all over it for it to happen. This back and forth waves of feelings and those becoming conflicted with things that happened. How old are you? I’m curious because this all also sounds like this is just one of those cases of puppy-love, which is a phase all teenagers and even young adults go through.

    The answer for this particular case is ‘No’, because it sounds like everything is everywhere and it’s going to set itself up for failure. Reason being is that neither of you really sound like you’re truly grounded down into what you actually want and are chasing for a better version of the same things when you got together in the first place. It’s like - why?

  • thermal_shock@lemmy.worldEnglish
    3·
    4 hours ago

    There’s like a billion other options. You said you’re young, no need to limit options, at all. Wait for someone who really cares for you and you’ll forget him so fast.

  • MrNesser@lemmy.world
    15·
    20 hours ago

    If your asking the question you already know the answer, at this point your looking for confirmation the choice you are making is the right one.

  • Botanicals@lemmy.world
    14·
    21 hours ago

    Even if everything he says is true he needs to learn to treat people better and not at the expense of your time and feelings. Leave him behind, work on yourself however feels right to you and you will very likely barely remember his name a decade from now. Don’t EVER settle for that sort of treatment.

    • drbollocks@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      2·
      17 hours ago

      i mean, i have to strain to remember the name of the guy who harassed me, so i probably won’t remember his name either after a decade :)

      thanks so much

  • qwestjest78@lemmy.ca
    102·
    15 hours ago

    Always a bad idea. Breakups happen for a reason and it’s always best to move on than hang on to a broken relationship.

  • bluegreenwookie@bookwormstory.socialEnglish
    28·
    1 day ago

    To answer the question in the title id say

    “What issues led to the break up and has that changed. If yes then go for it, if not then no”

    After reading the post I’d say

    Don’t wait for him. Try and move on. If he wants to get back together later consider it then.

    Honestly I’ve had people say that to me as a way to let me down easy rather than actually mean it. Waiting was a mistake.

    And I’m not saying he doesn’t mean it, maybe he does. But you’ll love again. You’re young. Grieve the relationship and move on. Judge later if he’s worth getting back together if that happens.

    That’s the best advice i can give.

  • null_dot@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    721·
    1 day ago

    Just gonna hit you with some hard truths.

    He’s not that in to you. If he was he wouldn’t just ignore you (“doesn’t use social media a lot” is not an explanation for not communicating). If he was he would be ready for a relationship rn.

    Like most guys his age (myself too, 20 years ago) he likes the idea of you wanting him but he doesn’t actually care about you.

  • klemptor@startrek.website
    371·
    1 day ago

    Girl. Have some dignity and kick him to the curb because it’s clear he’s not really interested in you. He probably wants you on standby in case his dick or his ego need stroking. Don’t make excuses for someone who’s mistreating you, especially at such a young age - you’re just inviting dysfunction. You can and will do better, but not if he’s in the way. Good luck.

  • BlameThePeacock@lemmy.caEnglish
    521·
    1 day ago

    He’s going to do it again, you’re being delusional if you think he will change in the next few years.

    Move on.

  • catHerder93@lemmy.world
    16·
    1 day ago

    It’s ok for him to have poor mental health, but he should’ve said something rather than ghost you.

    I would not get back together with him. At least not until he deals with his issues. But I do think he just wants the “safety” of having you there, and doesn’t actually respect you enough for a healthy relationship

  • socialjusticewizard@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    291·
    1 day ago

    Being in poor mental health isn’t an excuse for ghosting. Ghosting suggests he doesn’t value your wellbeing over his own: it’s a pretty cruel thing to do to someone, and deeply selfish. You’re still young. In your shoes, I think I’d explore other relationships before diving back into one with several red flags.

    • drbollocks@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      91·
      1 day ago

      i also notice that although he’s bi, he’d only talk about hot men (especially fictional), wouldn’t mention me to other people, and would talk to me about his crushes as if we were just good friends. he would also try to make moves with some of them, presumably not telling them about me

          • snooggums@lemmy.worldEnglish
            10·
            1 day ago

            Never expect people to change for the better. It isn’t impossible, but it is unlikely without some kind of major event in their lives that they learn from.

            • Em Adespoton@lemmy.ca
              6·
              1 day ago

              Very much this. I’ve been happily married for 25 years and expect to be for at least 25 more, and the things that annoyed us about each other when we were dating still annoy us today. But we accept that those things are unlikely to change, and celebrate the stuff that’s great.

              On top of that, guys don’t tend to mature until they’re 21-25, but don’t start dating one who’s younger expecting him to change for the better; it’s more likely the common things you enjoy will change but the odd habits will remain forever.

          • Shirasho@lemmings.world
            5·
            1 day ago

            People can change, but don’t put your life on hold waiting for that to happen. I can’t say for sure what kind of person this is since I’ve never met the guy, but I can tell you that you will be waiting a long time if he is behaving how you described. Communication is incredibly important as a foundation for a relationship, and ghosting indicates they won’t be able to discuss things with you when things get really bad. This is a skill that is learned young and it is harder to learn it with age.

            Let that flame die out and only let it be reignited if the person makes real effort to really talk to you.

          • Contramuffin@lemmy.world
            2·
            1 day ago

            Change isn’t necessarily impossible, but it’s really difficult and requires a huge amount of self discipline - if someone changes, they will be a standout exception rather then the norm. I urge you to consider that someone who ghosts you likely does not value you enough to be willing or able to put in the effort to change. Ghosting is deeply rude to do to anyone, and especially toward your significant other.

            Take my interpretation with a mountain of salt, because I don’t know the full story. But, from what you said, it seems more likely that he reached out to you because you were a convenient backup

          • socialjusticewizard@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
            1·
            1 day ago

            That’s a normal way to feel. It’s okay to still care about him, but it sounds to me like there are a lot of reasons to move on. It’s also probably the best way to help him grow up himself