What’s the point of everything? What are we heading towards? There’s got to be a reason why we were put here. Why was I put here? To sit at a computer all day and work for another person making spreadsheets and drawing a bird over and over again? Surely that can’t be the reason.
I often hear that “life is a gift”, but this is shittiest gift I’ve ever received. A life full of 9 to 5, too tired to do anything, alone all the time, bills, no money. In post apocalyptic movies there’s the risk of death but at least they’re alive. Have something to do and appreciating every moment they have breath in their lungs. But, not me. No reason to wake up early other than to be tired at a computer desk. Nothing to look forward to other than the morning coffee. Life is monotonous. Even with stuff to do it’s a fleeting feeling. Disappearing the next day knowing that such an event is an anomaly. No fun is to be had.
Movies, video games, and YouTube provide the illusion of being alive. Of breathing for the first time. Of smelling the fresh air of a mountain top. Feeling the touch of a lover. Hearing the laugh of a friend. The feeling of being wanted.
But it’s only an illusion that makes my eyes water and my back stiff. Instead of warmth, I get wrist pain. Instead of happiness, I get eye strain. Instead of a living, I get existing.
I read that our lives were born of star dust. Our world is perfectly situated to harbour the gift of life brought down from the void above us by asteroids and comets. The gift of life is unusual it seems. If that’s the case…
Why was I put here and cursed to live this life of loneliness?
I believe two things: we weren’t put here for any reason, and it’s up to us to create meaning in our own lives.
Personally I’ve enjoyed reading Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations. Stoicism resonates with me; I think the ideas are worth exposing yourself to (try and get a book with translations and explanations, it can be dry otherwise).
You clearly don’t like your job, what can you do about that? Can hobbies help fill the hole elsewhere? Could you be spending more time with the important poeple in your life? Is it possible to switch companies, or try other jobs?
I went back to a big safe corporate job a couple years ago and my life was a slough and I was miserable. I’ve been back at a smaller company for a bit and it’s much more enjoyable, which has made a huge difference in my life.