I am genuinely crying and mildly hyperventilating. Tomorrow I have a paper consultation meeting with my professor where I have to give him a 250 word research paper proposal. what I have to do is propose a research topic (a research question) for me to write my paper on. We can choose whatever we want as long as it relates to the class content, which is genocide. Many of you probably already know this information if you’ve read my posts related to school, you’ll also understand the amount of “animosity” I am facing even if it’s fairly mild/covert. I have already talked to my professor briefly about the research topic I want and he sort of approved of it at the time but this consultation goes deeper. I have to prove to him that I have done enough research already (I have to actually give him two sources, one primary and another secondary, related to the event to show I’ve already started) and that my topic is appropriate.

This sounds like a non-issue and it probably is, but the topic I am going to write about is the Donbas and whether what happened/is happening there constitutes a genocide. I have talked about the far-right issue in Ukraine and brought it up to my professor, most of you know this, and it resulted with that awful email. I am still standing firm on writing this paper but I am terrified about how to defend it. I know I have to be neutral and matter-of-fact, but I also know the stance both my professor and the school has so having to do this is making me panic. What if they grade me based on that. I want to word this proposal in a way that wont get me in trouble but I don’t know how. It’s not just my written words that are being graded but also the verbal aspect of the consultation (he is grading both the proposal and the actual research paper).

I know I am doing my proposal last minute, I have no real problem gathering the sources or at least the two needed for this meeting. It’s the wording and what I have to say that scares me. I don’t know why but when I came down to my office to start writing my proposal (editing it in the morning as the meeting is around 5:00pm) my heart rate skyrocketed along with anxiety. Then the waterworks. I am terrified at how this will go and if he will penalize me just for the subject and my demeanour. I have never been good with spoken words as I have always been a shy and pathetic person and I worry that I will short circuit during this meeting. I don’t want to come across as an enemy of the school and state, if that makes sense.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s mostly for some catharsis, really. Sorry this is messy but my emotions are at an all time high.

Edit: I just want to get through this meeting without crying…