I think it is important to talk with a professional about this moving forward. Based on your description this sounds more like it will be to help with processing things after the dust settles though.

I have family that I am still not out with, and for those that would be unaccepting they are either not worth telling or communicating with at all. I come from a big family, so I’ve had to learn to cut folks out that are dangerous (drug addiction and prone to acts of violence) or toxic (verbally abusive, manipulative, etc) over the years.

The family members that felt the hardest to loose were my grandmother and my aunt/godmother. We didn’t agree on a lot politically or religiously, but they were both such kind people through their lives. My aunt passed suddenly, so there was no chance to wrap things up or say goodbye. My grandmother passed from cancer and it was a lot slower. By the time we knew she wouldn’t make it out of the hospital she was not the same person that went in, and generally was frustrated to have so many people saying goodbye.

Ultimately I still swing by both their graves to leave flowers and to talk at them. Life ending is messy and far from ideal

In time though regardless of the actions you take I’d recommend remembering how you feel now and show compassion and patience for yourself and those around you.