I just need to vent a bit and this is the only place that I feel would fully understand.

(CW: mention of suicide) Even before becoming a leftist, unpaid labor was something I viewed as exploitative. Over the past few years, however, I have become a bit more desperate in my search for a job.

Just as a bit of background, I am on the autistic spectrum and have been programming since I was in high school. This post marks the first time that I have “publicly” claimed to be on the spectrum. I have been hesitant to refer to myself as being on the spectrum because of the stigma associated with people who self-diagnose, but after intense introspection and retrospection that is the absolute only explanation for how my brain works that makes sense to me. I only realized this as an adult after graduating high school, which is an experience that I hear is common among many autistic adults. I feel as though being on the spectrum contributed greatly to what I believe many people now refer to as “gifted kid syndrome,” basically meaning that I did well in school early on without much effort, and because of that, never learned how to study. Looking back on how I managed to skate through classes thus far, I realize that a lot of what I did was just noticing patterns in tests and course content without actually learning the content. Fast-forward to college, where I am failing classes left and right because on top of trying to use my usual methods of skating through classes that are now much tougher, I am being overwhelmed every day by my unstructured life at the huge university that I attend. During my time at college, I also had MANY events occur involving family and friends that contributed to the deterioration of my mental health (a suicide and life-altering hospitalizations). As a result, my GPA as well as my mental health plummeted.

The college I went to constantly held events to talk about “career readiness” and what it takes to get a job. Not once do I recall any advice on how to get your GPA back up so that you can apply to all those internships with GPA requirements that pay well. Not once did I hear how to explain the gap in your resume where you were too busy trying to prevent further degradation of your mental well-being to take on a new responsibility. No one catered their interview tips to people who are neurodivergent. Telling someone to treat an interview “like a regular conversation” doesn’t help if you’re not good at those either. I started programming in high school thinking that surely all those years of learning would count for something just to get to college and hear innumerable repetitions of the phrase “it’s not what you know but who you know,” which when translated from Lib speak means, “nepotism is okay actually and I know we don’t live in a meritocracy.”

After years of not befriending a single soul on campus, I eventually became friends with a group of other PoCs in my field of study. They all managed to graduate on time, give or take a year, and had jobs waiting for them. I still have not graduated. I have about a semester’s worth of classes left but I can no longer receive financial aid because of how long it has taken me to complete my degree and because of my GPA. Consequently, I have been on a forced break from school for some time for my mental health and to give me time to figure out how I will pay for classes. During this break, I have been applying to different jobs, mostly internships. Given the poor reception I have previously had to my resume and job applications, I realize that I am not in a position to be choosy about whatever opportunity I get. The only positive response I have gotten so far has been from an unpaid internship that I interviewed for and have now accepted. I have spent a lot of my private time programming or learning new concepts for free and with no recognition. My only consolation for taking this position is that at least now someone will see what I create.

I made this post to vent to people who I believe would more fully understand my experiences. In my time viewing various internet forums, I have hardly seen a community of people more understanding (or at least eager to gain understanding) of the experiences of others than communist communities, especially here on Lemmygrad.