China has long had its place in the world as a major polluter, having burned 14000% of its own coal consumption since the brutal, bloody Chinese revolution in the 1948 tunaman massacre. Yet China today is switching gears, presenting itself to the world as a benevolent green superpower----or so the authoritarian Xi regime tells its befuddled citizens.

Here at the China Bad Times, we’ve contacted top China experts at Radio Free Radical, one of the top oxygen think tanks in the US. And they’ve got news for us: China is flooding our markets with cheap oxygen, and fast. “If we don’t take action soon,” warns Boot Liquer, top analyst at RFR, “then our domestic trees could be seriously harmed. And we’ve got to protect our markets, because god knows what China puts in their air.”

“In the US, we just can’t put out oxygen as fast as China can,” Liquer explains as we tour a US forest, taking care to avoid being hit by falling tree trunks as logging teams clear land for planting more drugs to fund covert CIA operations in the global south. “You see, in the US we have worker’s protections, and unions, and retirements and such. We’re humanitarian----we care about our trees. But there’s no such protection in China. They’ve stripped their plants completely bare. You wouldn’t believe the brutal level of exploitation. Hell, they don’t even feed their plants any food. They’re forced to only live on water.”

Liquer takes us to RFR’s base, where he shows us unreleased footage of Xi’s secret plans.

“Now, it might seem like we’re breaking the rules of the free market when we’re raising concerns about Chinese air. But we’re just playing fair, trying to combat China’s unfair business practices. Two wrongs make a right, you know. While the US has always had honor and respect in the global market, China’s ruthless. For example, they’ve illegally supplied the Hufies in Yemen with air. This supply is so vital that without it all of their fighters would die in minutes. Similarly, they’ve been giving billions and billions of metric tons of air to Russia. Without this supply Ukraine would be halfway to ladistock now. China’s denying it, of course. Well to hell with them. They know as well as we do that those orcs would be suffocating without Chinese aid. It’s the least we can do to try to curb the flow of their cheap shit into our market.”

Liquer leads us out of the RFR facility, and we’re greeted on both sides by CIA agents fresh from torture operations in Guatemala bay. As we part, he offers us one last line of advice.

“Some people say, China’s not even actively exporting air to us. How can you say they’re flooding our markets?”

“Well, there’s one response to these people. We’re racists here. We’re fucking racists, not logicians. Always remember that.”