“In the entire dataset, 29% of men said they never approached a woman in person before. 27% said it had been more than one year. This was larger for men in the age 18-25 group: 45% had never approached a woman in person,” according to the study.
A majority of single males surveyed reported fear as the main reason they do not approach women for dates in person. Fear of rejection and fear of social consequences were the two most common responses.
The data highlights a growing concern in the United States and abroad — loneliness. A 2023 report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that almost half of U.S. adults report “measurable levels of loneliness.”
It’s interesting to say the least. It seems as though the social repercussions and rejection are the most profound reason. While the fear of rejection is easy enough to digest. But I think the fear or social consequences is a relatively new construct.
From what I understand it’s the fear of being viewed as a creep to approach a woman out of the blue. Which to me, is reasonable enough. But I don’t think I have ever heard my old man or anyone of his generation bringing this to the table.
Yet I do remember asking my friends about picking up hints and whether or not men are really that bad at it. And most them saying the just don’t want to risk misinterpreting it.
Perhaps there is an argument to be made that approaching women like this, has fallen out of social fashion. What do you guys think?
p.s. I hope this is casual enough of a conversation. I kinda screwed up my last one, I admit.
Edit: Here is a more detailed paper on the survey for those that are interested
I’ve never approached a woman. Is terrifying and not worth the humiliation.
Human resources …
The worst she can say ISN’T No.
Yeah
If her humiliation to you has any worth, that means you are the problem, not her.
What’s the worst thing that can happen? That they say no? Because that’s effectively what happens if you don’t even try.
They can use social humiliation, which is way worse than not trying.
“Ugh who the fuck are you, get out of here you fucking weirdo. Why are strange men approaching me? UGH! Get away!”
It hasn’t happened to me but I’ve seen it happen. The guy imo was behaving normally and reasonably. I think the girl just didn’t want to bother. Fucking shameful on the girl’s behalf when she could have politely turned him down.
What kind of awful, shallow people are you approaching? Pre-screen for people who don’t talk like that, to start with.
Re-read the post
Ok, but then you can just move on with your life and realize she’s not the one for you…
If you’re just approaching a random girl she probably isn’t going to remember you in a couple weeks unless you are being super fucking creepy, and for sure no one in the general public is going to remember you 15 minutes later
That’s easily said, but if you, for example, struggle with self-image anyway then being ostracized like that can really sting and paralyze. It probably is relatively easy for people who have a lot of self-confidence anyway, but not everybody does, especially in these situations.
This then usually bring up the problem of guys not taking the hint when a woman refuses nicely. It seems to me like the best strategy for a woman who isn’t interested in over-confident/tone-deaf guys is to do the asking herself. Which also comes with lots of potential issues.
Also if it isn’t a random person at a bar you’re talking to but someone you already know a bit then rejection probably also means that any other relationship you might have had is over, maybe even any relationship you had with mutual friends/acquaintances.
Self confidence isnt being perfect in social situations, its understanding everyone has similar experiences and feelings, and so makes the same mistakes with the same frequency.
Mistakes aren’t bad, your reaction to mistakes is what is bad.
I’m just saying that there’s a reason why this might hurt and make people avoid it. Takes a lot of work to reduce that because it isn’t a conscious reaction you can just decide to not have.
I never said there couldn’t be reasons to reel bad about it. Im saying that feeling bad about it is ultimately a decision we make, at least as adults.
Let me put it this way, we both go out and attempt to start conversations with women and it ends up going nowhere each time. You might feel extremely dejected, disappointed with yourself, or like you were stupid for thinking it could have worked. The worst feeling I would have is, dang I’m either unlucky tonight or I just dont belong here, but none of that reflects on me personally.
So what if they didnt like me, I dont want everyone to like me, and theres probably good reason we didnt click.
I could call someone a cunt and punch them in the face, and they could just move on with their lives
I mean if someone called me a cunt I’d probably just call them a cunt back and move on with my life
If someone punched me in the face I would punch them back and then also move on with my life
It’s not that deep
Or, maybe people shouldn’t do those things
Generally yes. But you also control how you react to things. Not everyone, especially not strangers, can be held accountable for how you react. There’s just not enough time in the day to know how every single random person will take things, and by the same token, you don’t know how many times that person has dealt with the same situation that made them finally snap
It would be great if everyone was kind all the time, but that’s just blatantly not gonna happen. You can try to be kind all the time, but that does not mean you will succeed. I’ve never purposefully tried to hurt my girlfriends feelings, and she’s never purposefully tried to hurt mine. But we’ve still gotten in fights and we’ve still hurt each other, and we’re still together and have let things go. If you sit there with every single random person on the street who shouts something at you and hold onto it then you’re not really gonna do well in the world. If you then choose to be a hermit and not talk to people, you have absolutely no right to complain that you can’t make relationships work.
Ridicule from peers. - Anecdotal evidence: there was a streamer that found herself in a situation where a guy tried to ask a other girl out. Instead of congratulating him on his braveness or pitying him for rejection, the streamer choose to laugh at his absurd circumstances where he got rejected in front of thousands of people. Even if she wanted to pity him, this moment sends a message that discourages asking girls out.
That video is unwatchable so I don’t know the details, but maybe just don’t stream you asking someone out? I’d be willing to bet that the risk of being ridiculed for asking is lower than the chance of her saying yes. The realistic worst case scenario is that she says no than you and you’re back exactly where you started from.
Then what’s the fucking point? Being denied plus feeling even worse than before? I don’t see how that helps
Its your choice to feel bad about it, plenty of people can make mistakes every 15 minutes and forgive themselves just fine.
They are saying its a better chance than doing nothing. If you are going to do nothing then stop bitching about it, since clearly you have given up. You can always change your perspective if you give yourself the chance to though.
The worst thing that can reasonably happen is she actively makes fun of you to others, especially if she was already your friend or acquaintance. Saying no is usually the BEST case scenario if they’re not interested. Some people are just nasty and enjoy hurting others if it inflates their own ego.
Even in a best-case scenario, people are going to find out you were shot down, which is already pretty humiliating, especially if you share friends.
I personally would never ask someone out in person unless I was already close friends with them and trusted them with that level of power over me.
Its not humiliating to be told no.
It’s the gossip that comes after the no. Nobody cares about feelings or dignity anymore.
Maybe they just dont feel the se wa6 about rejection as you. Its far more likely you are assuming I’ll intent than your friends are actively mocking you.
If your friends are really mocking you, they aren’t your friends. At what point will you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with a basic level of respect?
I’m fine with my friends, it’s the woman’s friends, social network that’s the problem. It’s fine, I don’t care anymore, I’m just not going to try. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze, imho.
Women share things like this with each other to keep each other safe in most cases. It can seem cruel but if a girl feels like the way you reacted to rejection was bad enough it was a red flag, then they have every right to share that with their social network.
All it takes is some self awareness and acceptance of your own mistakes and they will quickly change their tune though. Humility is very important especially from a mans perspective towards women.
I disagree, being romantically rejected is always humiliating unless you’ve somehow reached some Buddha state where the opinions and feelings of others truly don’t matter to you at all. You are directly being told, to your face, by someone you respect and admire, that they don’t like you as much as you like them. That shit hurts!
The person telling you no isnt saying you are a shit person, it means they aren’t interested in you. You’ve surely met women you aren’t interested in right? You would be right to tell them no if they asked you out, as the alternative is lieing and misleading, and will cause pain in most cases.
Its okay for someone not to be interested in you. Breath a little, step back and calm down. Its like some version of main character syndrome.
Also, I would consider it a huge red flag if someone had such a negative reaction to being told no when asking someone out. It implies there is a lack of confidence and self assuredness that is a base requirement to be in healthy relationship. We all know women are very careful of red flags and share them with each other as well so this can be self defeating.
If you want to find someone to be with, then you need to figure out how to properly treat someone like an equal, which includes respecting both yourself and them enough to prevent a negative reaction to simply being told you aren’t a persons preference.
Wrong. Being denied is worse, it breaks you down
When thinking back on my life it’s not things I failed at that I regret, it’s the things I didn’t even try.
Is better to not try than feeling broken and humiliated. Trust me.
I don’t trust you on this. I have evidence to the contrary. Cynicism is not my game.
If you’re a weak sack, sure.