“On the roof, it’s peaceful as can be, and there the world below don’t bother me…”

It’ll be less than a ton by the time they make it back to shore.

Bold of you to assume that it’s only when I’m peeing.

If only there were some way to prevent this…

Whenever I see “Florida man…” I think it can’t be any worse than the last one, and every time I’m proven wrong.

The only thing going for it is the laughs one gets from looking at Cage in that ridiculous wig. Unfortunately, even those get old quick. I can’t believe I paid to see this in the theatre.

“The ability to speak doesn’t make you intelligent.”

Every time I open the fridge and see Sweet Baby Ray’s I have to fight the urge not to squirt some directly into my mouth. Does that count?

If she’d been with Larry David she would have at least had some edible underwear for sustenance.

“ I was misdirected cause the interchange never intersected leaving me marooned beneath a bloodshot moon.”

Took me a second to figure out what you were referring to and then legit lol so thanks!

Meanwhile, I just want to watch that bizarre video of Kim at the volleyball game again. Drugs aren’t necessary with things like that at our disposal.

That’s what they want. Live your life to the fullest just to spite these motherfuckers.

Particularly when you consider that they probably originally found 50 tons!

I didn’t even have to check to see if he’s Bill Pullman’s son. It would be pretty funny to see Bill Pullman Jr and Kurt Russell Jr sharing the screen together.

“Offer expires while you wait.”

But when is Burrito BOWL season?

The scene in the junkyard with the Eric Idle Transformer and Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” is permanently etched in my brain.

“These men are MINE!!”

“…and NO dessert until you eat all your broccoli!!”