You’ve actually made good progress on your own, you should feel proud and should identify this strength of yours for self-awareness.

I know what you mean, and i agree, but theres also that part of me saying, with a sardonic depressed tone, “i made good progress when I was 16. The more-than-a-decade since then has been me trying and failing to do anything about it (or anything at all really)”

And i do try to feel pride in the ways Im strong, but i often end up feeling terribly conceited for it yk?

Im really good at analyzing myself, at self-insight, at understanding the various internal processes occuring. But i cant make changes happen. Even when I know what to do, why it will work, and want to do it, i struggle to shift how I approach things, how I engage with things.

And like, ive done therapy, but not in a while and not cbt. Maybe something to look at, if i can ever figure out of health insurance and get some kind of job so I can afford it lol.

You are worthy of love just FYI.

I know, and I am, its just hard to keep that internalized and axiomatic in the face of gestures vaguely at existence.

Part of the issue is that the unwantableness isnt the thought, its part of what the thought is predicated on. I rarely actively think im unworthy of something, its just reflected in my thoughts, if that makes sense. Like here my feeling was one of anxiety, of uncertainty; there was no thought. It wasnt until later that it clicked that this feeling was coming out of my struggling to be genuine with people, which itself comes out of my shapeshiftery masking to make people not hate me, and that comes out of my feeling of being unwantable. Its so far removed from my active thoughts that I dont know how to get to it, how to interrupt that process; i feel like I have to pull so many layers off to get to that axiom and question it and destroy it. And even then, it didnt arise out of nothing. It arose from social punishments meted out against me when I was a kid, from people leaving like they always do, from people being my friend out of pity, etc.

Idk, im mostly rambling at this point…

Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today . Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses (i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore…).