confused is normal. Our society makes this into a WAY more complicated and stressful thing than it should be.
Biggest source of confusion for me is the fact that there are some strong signs that I’m trans but at the same time I don’t feel like a woman (nor anything othet than a man).
It’s fine to be in the middle. Non-binary is a thing. It’s fine to be like “this dangly bit needs to go, but I still feel kinda butch”.
Does this happen to trans women before egg crack or any form of transitioning?
Yeah a LOT of transfemmes spend tons of energy going “well, maybe I’m just <insert anything but fully trans here>” and then, eventually, end up going “nah, I was just not ready to accept myself being full-on female”
current day example: F1nnst3r. How many years did they cross-dress while being 100% convinced they were “a guy”? Even if you’re not a fan of them, it’s amazing to watch their slow, but very public, transformation into accepting their transness. Pretty sure they’ll eventually end up at “yeah, I’m a woman” (and a femmy one at that), but like you they’re not sure right now.
Again, that’s not to say that anyone should feel any less valid if their personal definition of self ends up being somewhere between the two ends of the gender spectrum.
This is going to sound stupid, but bear with me. There are ultra-butch lesbians. There are ultra-femme lesbians. There are even some ultra-butch straight women. None of them are any more or less “woman”.
Now, note that I didn’t specify trans or cis. You probably assumed I meant cis. Take a moment to ponder why. It’s 100% irrelevant to those statements, and yet, we’re dealing with so much societal BS around gender that basically everyone’s going to default to assuming “cis” until they’ve been simmering in “funky gender stew” for a while. ;)
Our society doesn’t like trans folks because they break the default mold. It breaks their effing brains when after transition you aren’t shoving yourself into that mold on the opposite side. So, part of your figuring out what your gender is, is learning to see that 💩 and stop letting it tell you what you “should” be.
Personally, I’ve found peace being the tomboy / butch lesbian I’ve always felt like. It took a long time to stop thinking i had to be femme despite it not feeling right. I don’t pass well, but I’m happy inside, and I have friends who love me, and that’s what matters.
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Side note: it sounds like you may be under 18. If so, or even if you’re very close, I can not emphasize how important it is to do everything in your power to get puberty blockers and/or anti-androgens. Testosterone will absolutely brutalize your body in ways that you will be paying for emotionally and financially for years. I’m guessing it’s probably started as it’s pretty normal to start pondering gender and sexuality when puberty hits. You don’t need to go full HRT, but give yourself the the option to stay as physically femmy as possible until you decide which way you’re going. You can always unblock the testosterone later and let it start having its way with your bones and hair. ;)
I’d caution against black-market hormones right now. There are way too many anti-trans folks who have absolutely no morals and are willing to give you terrible things that will hurt you.
The nice thing about HRT is that it helps clarify a lot of things. For most of us it just feels so right that the doubt falls away. There’s still fear and uncertainty about coming out and next steps but that’s more about societal bullshit that makes it lives hard.
That little inside voice though? She’s probably going to sigh a blissful breath of relief. For me it was just a hundred tiny things… just everything feels a little bit better.
Alternately the inner you might react with “nope nope nope!” However that little voice inside reacts, listen to it. Try and separate its words from those coming from outside sources.