Look, you can either get tortured in our detention centers or shot in our schools. No one can say that we aren’t pro-choice!

Like, if you choose to be black, you have to go to the detention center

I did! Just to fuck up his perfect record

Confusing goals, but I support 'em

But predictably. Give me a real fucking number, not just “high.” You can’t do, can you, fuck-face???

Ugly cries angrily and shamefully in the corner knowing that the wrong person just got yelled at

Not for rape

Pudding Fingers, Poopy Hands, Fly Head, and Couch-fucker

Mobster names go hard these days…

I don’t know, but he’s real grabby and smells like shit. Just don’t make eye contact.

I feel like the media would roll this out in the most bad-faith and then evolve it in the most malignant way possible:

• Both candidates discuss 2+2
• Person B passionately argues values on 2+2
• Is person A too ingrained in the establishment to consider new ideas on 2+2?
• Person B campaign staff says person B will likely “soften tone on 2+2” after they win election
• Person B supporters wear “5” to latest rally
• Experts weigh in on the true meaning of 4 1/2
• Person B says “4 is low-energy just like person A”
• Should a 4-believer really be president just because person B is a rapist and a felon?
• Person B won the election and it’s all your fault

I really don’t care what starts the revolution, but I’d be pleased as punch if history books of the future had to note that gamers ate the first CEO after he shit on their favorite devs

Scientists have hailed the decision to remotely augment the swine with breast implants as being “as historic of a leap forward in technology as it is a remarkably questionable abuse of modern medicine.”

To the researchers’ credit, the pig later received a promotion and unexpected bonus even though the sleazy district manager recently insisted that there “weren’t enough funds for raises this year.”

^\s in case it needs to be said^

Worker’s rights? More like “Wokers rights,” amirite???

Oh wow, you can fuck aaaallllllllllllll the way right off

Ah, yes. The Giving Tree, except possibly with multiple kids sourcing from the same trees. Good ol’ stump-forest child rearing.

Oof

They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?

I say I’m sick, boss doesn’t care

That’s why I squirt a shit all over his chair

Coaches are making some cuts to the foosball roster

Wow, that’s quite a step up from school nurses here. We can’t even give kids any medication that wasn’t provided, with a prescription, by the parents.

Tylenol? Nope. You get a bag of ice wrapped in a paper towel, a large bathroom to vomit in, a thermometer, and a napping table with a privacy curtain that almost reaches all the way around it.