I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
we like to look back on our many “egg moments”. makes us feel much better. those moments where we said the most trans thing to ever be said, etc
(totally valid to not have these but a lot of creatures do)
My friend told me he didn’t notice any signs when I came out to him. I noted that I “joked” with him frequently about being a lesbian. His mind just about melted from the realization.
In any case I was wrong, I’m Pan but there are moments like that sprinkled throughout our eggy pre-lives that everyone else pays no mind to and sometimes so do we.
Yes, in the first few months after egg-cracking I would sit down and journal for an hour, writing out every “sign” or indication I could remember from growing up where suddenly I could make sense of it because I was trans. Things like: why in 3rd grade did I wear a heavy winter coat in the hot summers, why did I never feel comfortable showing my legs or arms in public (there wasn’t a single day I went to school in shorts and short sleeves, I covered up no matter how hot and humid the weather was).
very cis thing to do /s
I literally thought I might have been a victim of sexual assault, and just had repressed memories and couldn’t remember.
At the time I was thinking this, I was seeing a therapist and had as my primary goals to be less like a man, undo male socialization, be more like a woman, like be more emotionally sensitive, etc. The therapist thought maybe I had experienced some things my mom did as inappropriate and maybe it explained the symptoms. My mom did some inappropriate things, but I don’t think they were traumatizing, nor do they explain the discomfort with my body. Anyway, a bit ironic looking back. Is it normal for cis men to want to not be like a man and also cover up their bodies like trans people feel compelled to do? 🙃