I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
Some days you don’t “feel like a woman”, but on days when you “feel like a woman” what is that like for you?
I find there is almost a psycho-social aspect to “feeling like a woman” - that getting dressed up, wearing makeup, and then being in society as a woman results in something remarkable where I begin to see myself as a woman more.
I have habituated seeing myself as a man in this same psycho-social way, and in my dreams I sometimes revert to a “man” this way, and sometimes in my dreams I am a “man living as a woman” in that particular trans way (where my body is neither fully male nor female, and I try to live as a woman but feel insecure in that position).
All that said, I felt like being a man was more truly a deception somehow. For whatever insecurities I have as a woman, being a woman doesn’t make me feel like I’m putting on a fake character or show for people the way that I felt when I tried to live and pass as a man (the fact that I felt like I had to “pass” as a man when I was assigned male at birth is maybe a sign here).
I agree that I feel much more comfortable in my skin, but sometimes it feels like maybe some dissociation thaws and I suddenly become much more sensitive to my male body - like all the positive effects from transitioning overshoot and I suddenly expect myself to be a cis woman in a cis woman’s body, and reminders that this isn’t true then are even more disturbing than it felt when I felt fully like a monster but felt so far away from being “me” in my body.
I discussed this with my partner, this was a huge comment to unpack. And we agree that maybe you aren’t quite feeling doubts, but instead insecurity/imposter syndrome. And that is something I mean when I say I feel not like a woman some days, and in others that I don’t feel as pretty as I’d like. We have some extra baggage having come from a testosterone heavy past and we experience the same insecurities a cis person would experience with that added.
That said in the social aspect I receive a lot of affirmation, and I honestly don’t even try to pass. I struggle but honestly I have to recognize that most of my battles are between me and my mirror, colored by thoughts of my pre-transition self.