I’m so scared for the future and it feels hopeless.
I’m afraid to talk to my friends and family about how bad my mental health is right now because I don’t want them to try to hospitalize me or something.
I just feel like I’ve already experienced the best moments in my life and all I have to look forward to is being a wage slave, debt, and dying alone.
I know that I need to have some kind of purpose to dedicate myself to but I don’t want to do anything. I get so drained from work that I spend all my time off playing video games or watching TV just to recharge so I can make it through the work week. It just feels like a pointless cycle where I work so I can afford treats to make it bearable to work.
My job isn’t even difficult, and it’s remote and pays really well. But it’s so pointless. It’s honestly sickening how much harder people work to actually benefit society for not even half as much. I’m aware that I’m extremely privileged in this regard, but that also makes me feel even more hopeless. If living is this uncomfortable for me, so many more people must feel even worse.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how scary it will be to get old. My husband is a little older than me and doesn’t take great care of himself, so most likely he will die first. It’s very unlikely that we will have children, and also I think it’s gross to have kids just so you could have caretakers. My siblings are also older. I’m scared to be senile living alone or being abused in a nursing home. I guess it’s possible that we’ll all die a lot younger due to climate change.
I feel like the only things keeping me going are the fear of pain from dying and how my dogs and husband depend on me. I feel like if there was a button I could press to be instantly painlessly dead, I would push it (maybe I should move to Canada?).
I know that my problems are small compared to a lot of people here, and I’m sorry if this post comes across as insensitive. I feel like I just had to get these thoughts out of my head and I really love and appreciate this community. Thank you for listening.
Hey, I’m a couple days late, and I hope you’re feeling better today.
Just wanted to assure you (as someone with similar feelings who has been evaluated many times by EMTs, nurses, therapists, etc) that even in the worst case scenario where your loved ones call EMTs, as long as you let the evaluator know that you have no plan to harm yourself or others, you can get help without worrying that you’re going to be taken anywhere you don’t want to go. Even if you do have a plan, if you haven’t taken real life steps towards it or even just don’t intend to act it out, you can still go home. The 5150 is an absolute last resort. If help can meet you at home and to your comfort level, it will.
Also, I just remembered that it’s October now, which is winter where I am. Have you been in the sunshine much? If these dark feelings came on as the days got shorter and the cold moved in, I’d really recommend looking into seasonal affective disorder (with the fitting acronym of SAD). Treatment is really gentle, mostly light exposure, maybe some antidepressants and talk therapy. If you want a good start without making any phone calls, you can try playing a handheld console on the porch or watching TV on your phone out there, just to get some sunshine on your skin and see if it helps. Sitting in front of a sunny window is great too.
I hope none of that came across as presumptive or dismissive.
In short, it’s a good instinct you have to want the support of your friends and family, and things are gonna be okay. I’m rooting for you.