This is depression, alcoholism; it’s getting pretty late-stage. All of this is wrong, and everything I’ve gone through insists they’re fucking Reifenstahl.
Yes, I have mentioned her twice this week. It’s because it’s germane. I’m using that word a lot more, too. It holds a certain connotation.
But that aside, I do not want 988. I want a solution, not some attempt to make me believe rich people shall be my saviors.
I understand that you’re hurting and you’re trying to reach out for help, but I really struggle with understanding what you need here. I often struggle following your train of thought, it takes a lot of stops at references I don’t get and the purpose is lost along the way. I think you’re hurting and you need to vent, but I don’t know that betterment and praxis is the space to do it? Or am I misunderstanding what you’re asking for here?
I honestly don’t know what I’m asking for, either, which makes making sense difficult. Sometimes, all I can tell is “not this,” which is not particularly useful, I realise.
Well, I’d say that “not this” is quite useful and also hopeful.
From personal experience I think the biggest holes I’ve climbed out of didn’t even give that much direction. Knowing and/or wanting anything (even if it’s “not this”) is a decent start.
If you keep trying to find ways to express yourself I think that you can slowly start to raise the floor of whatever hole you’re in.
Thank you. I’ve tried a lot to raise the floor, and each time, someone starts excavation.
Since you have a good sense of “not this” I’m inclined to throw some shit at you and maybe something might stick and work out well to function as a a rebar net to get that concrete floor started so you don’t have to start all the way down every fucking time.
Before I do though I wonder if you’d like to get a small list of stuffs to check out? <– this is the actual question!
That would be very much appreciated.
Are you in therapy or have a mental health professional you see? If not and funding is an issue, have you reached out to local free/discounted healthcare groups to see if there’s mental health resources you can get access to? Unfortunately on the internet like this, we aren’t professionals and can’t provide that kind of help.
I have treatment-resistant major depressive disorder. I can understand why this looks like doing nothing; hell, I just got off the phone with my former boss I met in detox who feels the same way.
My problem with mental-health services is they focus on turning you back into a good little bitch for the rich. I think you know that’s not me.
It’s a bit of a shot in the dark here, but have you considered looking into psychedelics? If you’re careful with them I’ve heard they can be life changing for treatment resistant depression and addiction. I only have experience with high thc cannabis (infrequently but at somewhat regular intervals, 1-4 times a month), but even that’s helped me (not in an assimilation into capitalism kind of way but in a feeling less burdened by the world kind of way, freer to pursue community, relationsips, etc, with less fear)
Even if you keep it in mind as a last resort, it might be something to consider.
Alternately/concurrently perhaps look into philosophy like that of Mark Fisher, bell hooks, or Lacan/Zizek for more perspectives from people trying to make sense of our current social reality.
I actually have! Grew way more shrooms than needed. Like seriously, four fucking quarts, which I figured would made for good trade at a regional burn. Except everyone had them, too. Trading for E was a difficult ask.
Also, I would encourage you to read my post history about this.
I am not a mental health professional by any means, but if this was your experience I think you may have had a shitty therapist. Everybody I know that is in therapy and likes their therapist complains about late stage capitalism with their therapist.
I don’t often share this, but my father was regarded as Arizona’s foremost adolescent-suicide expert. The issue is self-evident if you are aware of the quality of parenting you get in this situation. This is why I want to fix the world but can’t fix myself.
No offense to your father, but that doesn’t seem like it invalidates what i said. Sounds like a shitty therapist. I understand the trauma of a shit parent, but that seems like a sketch mix of bad therapist and distant (at best) parent. I’m legitimately sorry you had to deal with that.
As someone that has dealt (not well) with depression, I get the work it takes to find a therapist that clicks, but fuck it might save your life. Be up front about your history. If they are worth their salt they will give 0 shits about who your father was.