So, I’m baby trans. I’m exploring, at what feels like a glacial pace, but feel the urge to do something more. More, different clothes, idk. **But ** I think I have this fear of looking ridiculous with something and just hating myself and getting depressed, so I just don’t.

I was thinking I was “afraid of feeling dysphoric”, but today I started wondering, it’s that fear actually the dysphoria?

Bonus thought; the wanting to explore, but not knowing what to do, feels a little bit like when you have an itch on your back and try to get someone to help but they more of chase it around until you just give up. It’s like that. My gender is itchy and I can’t figure out how to scratch it 🤣

  • Lumelore (She/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    1·
    10 months ago

    I’m trying to remember how I felt when I was baby trans. I did also explore at a glacial pace mostly because I was afraid of what others would think of me.

    I do remember having thoughts that I didn’t want to think about because I was afraid of feeling dysphoric. I kept having these thoughts that made me uncomfortable and I would immediately try ignoring them. Eventually that got tiring so I started forcing myself to think about them. It was uncomfortable at first but they did help me to understand myself better and it meant that I didn’t have these uncomfortable thoughts anymore.

    Also, on your bonus thought, I recently realized that in a few years I will have approached the point where I will have nothing else to do. I’m very addicted to the high of gender euphoria so idk what I’m going to do when I reach that point. Like I’m getting my name changed in a few months, and then after that all I have that I want to do is get gender affirming surgeries and change my legal sex. After that, idk if I will just be permanently itchy for more gender euphoria or if my itch will be cured. Anyways, make sure you savor those gender euphoria highs whenever you get them, because after you do everything you want to do, idk if you get them anymore.

    • LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zoneMEnglish
      1·
      10 months ago

      This might just be me, but I still get gender euphoria. I wouldn’t consider it an inevitability that one day you’ll find being a woman less novel and exciting than you did before. Some people settle into apathy towards it, but others don’t. Personally, I experience much more euphoria now than I ever have.

    • Autumn 🍂@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      1·
      10 months ago

      As someone who has done everything they need to do, I will say that I do miss those early days of gender euphoria. It’s something special and beautiful, and everyone should cherish those moments, because eventually… everything will just be normal. Which is great! But it does get to a point where you’re just you. That’s the end goal, right?

      It was a long, difficult journey for me, but I will always cherish every moment of it. It’s like childhood; you experience it once, and then it’s gone, and all that’s left are the memories.