So, I’m baby trans. I’m exploring, at what feels like a glacial pace, but feel the urge to do something more. More, different clothes, idk. **But ** I think I have this fear of looking ridiculous with something and just hating myself and getting depressed, so I just don’t.
I was thinking I was “afraid of feeling dysphoric”, but today I started wondering, it’s that fear actually the dysphoria?
Bonus thought; the wanting to explore, but not knowing what to do, feels a little bit like when you have an itch on your back and try to get someone to help but they more of chase it around until you just give up. It’s like that. My gender is itchy and I can’t figure out how to scratch it 🤣
For me at least, there’s a weird “zen” to the dysphoria and fear. Not that it’s pleasant, of course, but if I feel that strongly about something, even in a negative way, it reinforces the identity that much more.
“I wouldn’t be afraid if this didn’t matter to me. Avoiding opportunities for dysphoria means the incongruence with my body is real, I am not making this up.”