And no, I don’t mean, the supposed “Playful Bullying” (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I “actually am a leftist”, by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren’t convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn’t be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be “better” according to that person’s standards. If I couldn’t satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven’t tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes… Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other “Secret Tests of Character” like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists “read theory”, which I haven’t been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
I think it’s ok to be a quiet lurker and only speak up when you feel like you have something to say or have a question. Questions are good. I’m a victim of spoon theory so I will sometimes go wall of text, but then rest of the day just do a shitposty comment session. They haven’t kicked me yet.
As for whether you are a leftist, collectivism and healthcare reform is a good start. I can’t answer that question without knowing more. Do you support capitalism? Do you think it can be reformed in favor of the working class? Do you think we can only get to a better place through revolution? I think that is probably the best starting point. At one point I was a reformist, now I’m not. But it was a journey. And I think that is important too. None of us woke up as revolutionaries. It took time to peel away the western propaganda that at least us burgerlanders were victims of.
So with that said, I do think theory is important, but the cool thing is that the books and essays aren’t going away any time soon. You can take your time when you get to reading it. And please do. I’ve even reread stuff to further solidify concepts. The more you do read, the better understanding you will get. A key thing imo is understanding actual dialectics but don’t worry about that for now. It’s hard to read about at first but once you get it, you start looking at things a lot differently. This is one of the places I would unironically use the word “woke” as a description. Dialectics leads into a better understanding of the “whys” of working class liberation but also gender, queer, trans, black, and disabled liberation, among other concepts. It’s a big pill to swallow so take your time.
With that said, regarding not ever having read theory, my cut and dry suggestion is to read Principles of Communism by Engels. It’s short and extremely easy to read. If you seem to agree with everything, or at least a lot of what’s in there then you are probably a leftist. If the content interests you then come back to cowbee’s list and start working through that. But, to reiterate, please take your time.
I’ve only been wrong about one person I felt was a leftist, and that was actually super recent, but at that I wanna say, I think you are on the right path. You are here asking questions and that’s a hell of a start.