This charcuterie board fucks.
Three condoms? My, we’re young and frisky, aren’t we?
They are unwrapped and sitting pretty close to some meat and cheese. Feels like that’s just asking for disrupting vaginal health balance. Plus I’d be suspicious of holes poked in the condoms. Unwrapping them is such a weird thing to do.
Frist of all, why are there condoms in the food second why are there 3 of them?
One for the shaft and one for each testicle
Duh … we all learned this in sex ed
Exactly. My balls secrete sperm like a maple tree. Don’t yours?
Do you regularly cut your balls then?
When they’re in season
Right after saying “I can do the sex good!”
The only question is, one at a time, or all at once?
That depends.
39 and under crowd - “Wanna go again?”
40 and over crowd - “I’m going to need at least that many breaks.”
WHERE are the motherfucking CHEESE BALLS?!
After enough coke everyone has cheese balls.
I can’t wait to put your Sweady balls in my mouth.
Everything looks good here, perfect date. Wait, except… is that… unground coffee beans? What the fuck?
Espresso beans are delicious especially in dark chocolate.
I’d eat those, but the proximity to cocaine is a bit concerning.
You’d leave the cocaine on the board?
Mix it up. Call it the morning special.
I thought they were rasins, but not sure.
I love the gummy taste of condoms with my Brie and crackers
no joke, you know the brie and gummy worms work.
you dip the chicken nuggets in whiskey and then roll them in cocaine for a nice speedy schnitzel
That is going to taste so bitter, my tongue just dried up from thinking of it
That’s why there’s bbq sauce.
Where are the dates?
Probably wondering why their date is taking a picture of the charcuterie board.
Woosh
Bro’s got a baseball bat and an image analyzer from a NOAA satellite, and all he had to do was buy a package of dates from the grocery and take a pic of one.
The straight whole coffee beans. 🤣
Ngl I’ve munched coffee beans before. There’s chocolate covered whole coffee beans, so why not eat them without the chocolate too?
Because without the chocolate, it’s like eating slightly burnt coffee flavoured sand. I eat them all the time because I have a fucking problem, but I don’t enjoy it.
Is there a name for this problem? I’m imagining you sitting with a bowl of beans looking miserable, shaking your head and muttering, “damn beans”
End stage caffeine addiction. A terrible illness
4th stage is where it’s at
Anemia, pica
Genetic fast metaboliser of caffeine. Need more caffeine to have an effect and more prone to addiction. I decided once to drink espresso until I got the shakes. I needed 12 shots.
Eating beans seems terribly inefficient though. Eating the 30g of beans in a cup of coffee or a shot of espresso for example would be quite the snack. Water extraction of caffeine is highly efficient so you aren’t leaving a lot behind from coffee / espresso either.
Have you tried Guarana pills or slow release caffeine pills? No data, but I’ve found Guarana to be a less jolty longer lasting than most forms of caffeine
To be clear, I’m eating them along side a quad espresso, not instead of it. Pretty sure guarana pils aren’t available where I live, and the only caffeine pills available are weak and expensive.
I think you can eat the seeds and it is apparently possible to home grow guauranna (I doubt that it’s particularly easy to grow though). Keep it away from pets.
I eat them all the time because I have a fucking problem, but I don’t enjoy it.
Aah, like salmiakki (salty licorice). Tastes terrible, but I just can’t stop eating them.
Wtf salmiakki tastes great you heathen
It tastes like death and I love it.
Salmiakki has nothing to do with liquorice. It’s ammonium chloride, just another example of Scandinavians using floor cleaner as a flavour enhancer.
It’s often used as the name for ammonium chloride on black licorice. The ammonium chloride also makes a great soldering iron tip cleaner!
Ok you’re correct, I just checked the ingredients list for ifa and it does in fact contain 2,5 %. Liquorice extract.
They’re alright actually
Condom lube on my cheese board doesn’t sound appetizing
These ribbed condoms don’t taste anything like ribs!
It’s flavored
Its cheese flavored.
It is now.
Well in that case…
All that and not a single date to be found in the photo. Has bro never been to a grocery store?
Add a gun and some bullets and call it the Hunter S. Thompson Special.
Needs more grapefruit.
Wake up. First Chival Royale of the day.
What order is this meant to be in?
To start off, put the gummi worms in a shaker, shake, collect the sour dust, snort.
Next, add the whiskey to the shaker, set aside
Dunk the bread in the McNuggies sauce, sprinkle on cocaine to taste.
Add weed, thin crackers and coffee beans to grinder, grind thoroughly. Take the brie and your ground up spices, work them into each other as if you were making meatballs.
Eat this raw.
Ok, now vomit into the condoms.
Now that the appetizer is done with, grab handfulls of the other cheeses, salami, prosciutto and McNuggies, and just stuff it into your face as if you were eating popcorn.
Now that you’ve been thoroughly fucked by this culinary experience, finish it off with the drink you set aside earlier, which should hopefully be a lovely semi congealed glass of gummi whiskey.
Awful, would laugh at you on a date. Better than most.
Hey, I’ll take it haha!
Unfortunately my default joke state is basically dad jokes and puns, but my life has been so utterly absurd that I can basically just reference some insane nonsense that’s happened to me in the past somewhat indirectly, and most people just think I’m creatively making a joke.
In seriousness, I have found that more conventional charcuterie boards are a pretty cost effective, while also decently fancy first kind of at someone’s place date, if presented well.
I’ve done this multiple times and it has worked every time, and almost every time I’ll be told this is extremely adorable and no one has ever done this for them…
…Then I find out, a year or two or three into the relationship, oh god, this person I love is extremely abusive, takes me for granted, and is astoundingly irresponsible.
So I guess just hand me both of those whiskeys, neat, please.
I’m a different person than who you replied to, and it’s the internet so I have no way of really telling, but yo you sound charming and fun. Also I’m sorry you had to go through that… I hope you find someone who isn’t an abuser and doesn’t suck, if you haven’t already. I’ll have a couple whiskies with ya.
I appreciate the sentiment, very truly.
Hah, my entire patriarchal lineage is massive alcoholics, so I actually drink alcohol very rarely, maybe a few times a year.
I have managed to never get addicted to the stuff or become abusive from it, I’m basically just an absurdly lightweight drinker.
Two whiskeys like in this pic in a row and I’d be stumbling. Two more soon after and I’d be slurring and stumbling.
Or, the optimistic take on that is I can get a double shot of bourbon and nurse it for 4 to 6 hours and be enjoyable buzzed the whole time haha.
Maybe someday I’ll find somebody, but right now I’m quite happy single.
Maybe a few years go by and I’ll try again haha.
Either way, cheers mate, probst, etc.
Ah, then I’ll have a La Croix with ya, or a NA bitters and tonic or whatnot. I do not come from a lineage of alcoholics, but since COVID my partner and I have been drinking too much, all of the time. It’s definitely something we need to fix! Two shots of whiskey like in the pic would give me a slight buzz. It’s the exactly opposite of weed for me—one small hit and I’m overthinking all of my flaws for the next couple hours.
Much love tho.
<3
Well after you do the drugs, it doesn’t really matter
I’d say clockwise but I’m not sure how well weed/coke mix.
I’m not into weed anymore (I wish I still was, but it gives me anxiety) but they mix perfectly fine!
…it’s funny that it’s the WEED that gives me anxiety.
When I was a youth they called that “coco puffs”
My youthful crew was aware of the term “snow caps”
Western.
Yeah they got McDonald’s chicken nuggets. Like dude, go get some Wendy’s. You’ve got nose spice so I know you understand how to be classy - now get your shit together.
Found Wendy’s Lemmy account
Yeah for fucks sake nothing wrong with McNuggets.
Except the price
And the taste when compared to Wendy’s.
Wendy’s chicken nuggets are vile, too. Chicken tenders are the only thing good. And Wendy’s doesn’t serve them anymore. Neither does McDonald’s. So… KFC wins.
And the taste.
