i posted a lot earlier this year about how distraught i was with my body and having had a surgery i didn’t actually need/want. i’ve done a lot of thinking about this and would like to talk a bit about where i’m at now with things

i spent months beating myself up over this and pushing myself into a full crisis, because i was understandably mortified when i realized the full scope of what i did, what i can’t get back, and what i’m going have to work very hard to get back. to say it fucked me up was an understatement. eventually i decided to stop dilating entirely around month 8 of recovery from vaginoplasty and didn’t resume dilating until mid month 9

i spent so long thinking about how much i hated myself for letting this happen. i was disgusted looking at my body. i made a suicide plan and picked a definitive date if i didn’t have stage 1 phalloplasty by that day. i felt like every day got harder to go on and my digest with my body grew and grew

but like in all of my worst moments, i was able to eventually ground myself and basically asked myself how did this happen and how do i move forward?

i think beyond the horrifying gender essentialist brainworms i had for myself, i also convinced myself no one would ever believe me that i was dysphoric and wanted surgery if i wasn’t suffering every day. i spent so long being abused growing up and being told no one would ever like me or believe me. as much as i wanted to believe i got past it, i accepted that it still existed in me. it caused me to bury my head so deep in despair that i didn’t realize i could like the body i had and it was perfectly fem the way it was. the worst part is, i was doing it again this year. i can still work towards surgery eventually, but i don’t need to rush into it right now. i can take some time and enjoy my life now. i can take care of my vagina, want a dick more than anything, and neither of those things contradict each other. i don’t need to perform agony to be believed. i wish i knew that sooner

thankfully a lot of deep reflection has helped with that. one day i’m going to get surgery and have a dick again, but not till i’m ready. this year isn’t the only year i can do this. when the time is right, I will know. till then, i’ve resumed dilation and i’m going to be using my vagina and really want to for the first time very soon. i don’t hate my past self like i once did. she had a rough go of it and made some understandable mistakes, but she doesn’t deserve my anger. i think things are going to be okay. no more suicide notes, no more self imposed sadness 💜